Can he lead a normal life? No, He'll be an Engineer

Good Day Fellow Reader (all 2 of you, three, four? oh yes I dare to say four),

I bring to you something that must stop at once and be banished to the watery grave of the abyss (holy shit that was deep, pun... intended)

Number 1: Those f&#$*(@$#kin LOLOLZ CATZ  Posters

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury: The prosecution presents people's Exhibit A


I mean this is a humor so beautiful it defies words. In deed cat, you are in my fridge, and you are eating my food, but we'll see how long you stay there once I start poking you with this stick. Where did this start? I mean who came up with such a timeless train of thought. I mean I've had some gems in my time but this business of cats being able to type, well that's just crazy.

Peoples' Exhibit B:


Now here we have some real comedic gold. If i ever meet someone who says "Okay thanks bye" as "kthxbai" i will make good on my Muskrat Ultimatum. This madness must stop. There was a girl at college named Kat who introduced herself saying "Hi my name is Kat like the cat meooow" [and then she would make claws with her fingers]. I shit you not, that was her introduction. And I blame these posters for every bit of it.

-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Good Day Fellow Reader,

I bring to your attention today, something I find funny as hell. Law & Order, a TV show that has entertained us with fake courtroom scenes and dozens of miraculous convictions brought about by someone standing up and yelling "It was me who killed the Snake Wrangler with a pitchfork in the saloon on Dawson Street while eating an Amaradillo with my bare hands" for a since the 80's has been deemed not sexy enough. Although the show remains popular and has run long enough in syndication to make Seinfield blush, the show's creator figured hey, this show's missin some sex. So he goes off and creates another show called "Raising the Bar." Now if I can think of one of the few things in this world that is unsexy and should by all means remain unsexy, it is the legal system. That, and...can't think of another example.

But seriously, no sexy legal system. Well super model police officer lady doesn't count. But yea, once that trial gets to court, no sexy legal system. I don't want the mechanism charged with determining my guilt or innocence being all sexy time. Come to think of it, never encountered a super model police officer lady. I guess if CSI is tells us anything they only work at crime labs where everything is lit exclusively by blue lighting and the furniture seems a bit lavish for a crime lab. But the hair is perfect, and the technology unrealistic, and thats why most people love it. That and because the detectives always know the answer. Reference books? We don't need no stinkin reference books. We got magical computers to do everything, oh and we drive around in a Hummer H2.



Fuel Economy? We don't need no stinking fuel economy...

Which brings me back to the moral of this little story. I don't get into who I'm voting for and all that, but I am convinced that nothing turns the average person into a bumbling moron faster than energy policy. Wow, you can get a stream of bullshit coming out of the average persons mouth by bringing that up that Pen and Teller, Mythbusters, Smash Lab, and that other show that consists of 3 or 4 guys and one woman and consists of blowing a lot of shit up would be hard pressed to sort out.

Seriously, If someone doesn't start requiring a license to talk about energy policy, on the life of Bob Saget, I am going to kick a muskrat. Why a muskrat? Why Bob Saget? Why not a muskrat on the life of Bob Saget I would say. I'm as big a fan as anyone of reducing our dependence on oil and moving to Hydrogen or something else when the technology is there. But for now, those who keep putting these bloody adds on the TV had better think of the lowly Muskrat. Thats my piece, but remember the muskrat.



Scene from The World is Not Enough 2: Muskrat Edition

Muskrat: "You wouldn't kick me? Not in cold blood? You'd miss me..."
Bond: [Kicks Muskrat] " I never miss"

-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Good Day Fellow Reader (for in the beginning there was none, and now there are at least two),

So I'm all moved into my new diggs in Indiana, and I will once and for all put to rest the viscous rumor that moving is an enjoyable experience. For it is the biggest suck of all, ever so slightly shittier than having your eyes gouged out by midgets, ever so slightly. That said, I found something on the intraweb that was freakin awesome. I'm assuming most of you have moved out of the dark ages and embraced the shedevil of wireless communications. Yes, wireless communications, that industry to which we have to thank for making it impossible to be out of the office. That said, there is an even darker side to wireless, paying wireless bills. At some point in any man's life, he has to make a stand. Because if he doesn't, then the wireless machine shall chew him up and spit him out. Just when all hope seemed to be lost, one brave soul ventured to strike back at the machine, that man's name is Randall Patrick Munroe, and he is a true American Hero.

Why? Why you may ask? Because, after hours of what must've been mortal combat with Verizon Wireless' billing department, he paid his bill using calculus. While it's been common knowledge that Verizon Wireless is deathly allergic to Calculus, its like their Kryptonite, no one had dared actually giving it a try. That is until Randall Patrick Munroe poked the bear.



So there I was, looking at a genius in action and all of a sudden I had a total need to know exactly how much he paid. It drove me nutz. For the record he paid $536.49 (.002 + 536.49 + .998).

With the move and all, I may just try this calculus billing idea. For when I had Comcast install Internet and TV the other week I met an epically uniformed foe, and that foe was the Cable Guy. Now gather round children and I'll tell you a tale.

It was a warm summer's evening and waiting I did I, for internet and TV to be installed in my crib

The Cable guy arrived just a little past five, and set right to work, for he had many miles to drive.

Just as I thought all was right with the world, He began to tell me of a vicious conspiracy he'd heard.

Nasa had used water to generate free power he said, corporate American doesn't want us to be free, it made sense in his head.

So I bit, "Please sir, do tell of this wondrous invention," He then told of Nasa's wondrous contraption.

[Sorry I couldn't figure out how to make the rest of the story rhyme, though I invite you all to try]

A magic device allowed Nasa to split water without any power and use the hydrogen to power a fuel cell he claimed. He had obviously been doing this speech with a number of clients as he was on a roll until asked. "Sweet, but one thing, where does the power come from to split the water?" Now such a prospect is very disturbing to most, having been asked a legitimate question, where the only answer that confirms your belief that a massive corporate conspiracy is out there violates the laws of Thermodynamics.

At that exact moment I think the Cable Guy had one of those Grinch who stole Christmas moments. You know the line: "Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."

Only the Cable's story went more like this: "Then the Cable Guy thought of something he hadn't before. What if there actually isn't a giant corporate conspiracy, he thought. What if energy really cannot be created on a whim? What if I stopped demanding technologies that violate the laws of Thermodynamics be implemented? And the Cable Guy realized that he had no idea what he was talking about."

Oh the joys of crushing a misinformed militant environmentalist Cable Guy's dreams.

-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Good Day fellow readers,

I now present you with one of the coolest freakin things I have ever seen. Some dude went off and built a paintball sentry gun. Fully autonomous, the gun can track a moving target and adjust its aim to hit it regardless of speed, size, etc. In school we were given a taste of some of the skills you'd need to pull this off, but this guy is talented.


Need me one of these

-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Fencing (which i can personally attest to) is completely bad ass

Olympic Badmiton is freakin sweet

There are badmiton TV analysts

The shuttle (little white fluuffy thing) can go up to 200 mph or roughly Mach 0.26

China is completely nutz about badmiton

There are also dedicated TV analysts for Olympic Air Rifle

Yes there is an event for air rile (see larger BB gun)

Such TV analysts are vicious in their critique

Women's air rifle airs at 3:12 in the morning

Good Day Dear Reader (you can all go on with your daily lives once again now that you know I am still amongst the living),

Well this week began my epic journey thru the space-time continuum of post graduation employment. While work itself is nothing new to me - I've had a job since Junior High - working 8 to 5, 5 days a week with no foreseeable end in sight is. People I'm workin with are a pretty decent lot really, everyone's been far more helpful than they should be. There's a steep learning curve but I'm confident that in no time I'll be dangerously close to looking like I know what I'm doing.

That being said, I must explain the hilarity that was my new hire process.
My journey began in orientation. Such activity was hosted by two very excited members of the Human resources department one of whom was completely out of her mind. I think she only stopped smiling twice in four days. The first two days consisted of learning company history and completing various craft activities (hooray for 1st grade). The second two days took on a much more somber tone as I learned of the dire perils of workplace harassment, health care benefits, and retirement plans. Look ladies, I know I'm a decent looking dude but ya'll can't keep treating me like a piece of meat.


mmm...steak

That said, never been big on harassing people (legal disclaimer section over). Got a super sexy fake leather bound most likely made in the People's Republic of China binder for completing a word search on the 3rd day, far better than the pocket notebook some peeps got the day before. Buyah... tear

Office culture is like a college campus only everyone is older and supposedly more mature. As far as I can tell, there are moments when you have to be serious, moments when you can be pretty laid back, a limitless number of situations in between, but you can never completely relax. Everyone has to be careful not to step on each others toes since I get the impression it is far to easy to burn bridges in the corporate world. My last job was on a production floor, and I have to say I miss that job environment because on the floor you could say pretty much anything as long as you took as much as you dished out. The office is different, and the air of professionalism sometimes makes you wonder what people really think of you. My biggest hope: that every single person in the office secretly wants to go to war... Office war...

 

My first executive order as President: a Nerf Arsenal in every office

Got myself all set to retire in 2045. First few days have been uneventful. I am rocking the feared semi-cubicle. Basically a cordoned off area with a four desks in the corners. Cool because I can actually see other people while working, but sad because as hard as I try to fight it, its still a cubicle. Which brings up an interesting point. Who the hell was the evil bastard who invented the cubicle. I mean what kind of cold heartless shell of a man came up with the idea of fencing man in. I can now understand how the Cowboys felt as they watched ranchers fence in the West. Okay thats a bit over the top but yea, cubicle's suck harder than octopus, and I have it on good information from the Discovery Channel that boy can octopus suck.

That said, I leave you with a parting shot from the internet...


-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Good Day Fellow Reader (it has come to my attention there are at least two of you, thank you for getting in on the ground floor cause this blog has nowhere to go but up)

So yea, thanks to Stumbleupon (God's gift to procrastinators everywhere), I stumbled upon this video which has to be one of the craziest demonstrations of well engineered equipment. I believe the clip is from an Italian game show. The clip consists of a very skilled excavator operator removing most of the clothing off a very very brave woman.

How exactly did they break this idea to her?

PRODUCER: Okay we have a high paying job for you, only takes 5 minutes of your time.

WOMAN: hmm, sounds iffy

PRODUCER: No way, its totally cool. All you have to do is stand there while a 23 ton excavator takes most of your clothes off.

WOMAN: ?

How brave? Funny you should ask, and this theoretically being an engineering related blog here goes. The excavator in question is the CASE CX210B Tracked Excavator. It weighs in at just over 23 tons (a dodge ram 1500 weighs just over 3) and puts out 423 foot pounds of torque. While its on the smaller end of the excavator equation, this thing could crush you without a second thought. I'm sure the engineers who slaved away on the control system expected the 210B would see some high precision situations, but I can only imagine how the initial design meetings went for this thing...


Chief Engineer: So gentlemen, company wants us to design an excavator precise enough to safely remove a woman's clothing

Engineer A: this is unexpected

Engineer B: Quite, how the devil do we do such a thing

Engineer C: Well lets start with a Trade study to evaluate our options

Engineer D: I'm looking forward to field trials

-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Good Day Fellow Readers/0 (it's divided by zero, as in it's impossible that anyone's reading this, wow that was terrible),

Give me a J... J!

Give me a O... O!

Give me a B... B!

Heh so yea, i have a job. Finally got my job offer which in all honesty is probably double the money than I've probably made in my life up to this point combined. Took a few days for it to sink in, and i have to start locking at relocation since it's out of state. Really wanted to stay in Minnesota but I had decided to take the summer to find a job in Minnesota and that search wasn't going as well as I'd hoped, and wasn't getting any local interest from a company of similar caliber.

Most of the job openings at respected engineering companies in Minnesota that aren't being done at on campus career fairs want 3 to 5 years of experience which because I can't physically download knowledge into my head like that Johnny mnemonic guy (defense exhibit A below), I don't have.


He knows Kung Fu... you know

I'm getting to work with engines and get paid to do it, and my brother is only a few hours away instead of an all day drive. My big problem was going to school out in Washington State but not wanting to work out there. Spokane was a great town, an island of sanity in the pomposity of the Pacific Northwest but there just wasn't jobs I was interested in out there. Note to anyone looking at college choices, apply where you want to work. These days on campus recruitment and alumni networking are your two best shots for finding a job out of college. Going with plan C, and going to school 1400 miles away like I did is not recommended.

Have to go down there to go apartment hunting a week from now. Lookin for a place that'll let me have a dog cause dogs (with the exceptions of anything that is small enough to be substituted for a football and/or whose "barks" are high enough to break glass and/or could be confused for a large haired rat) rule and cats drool (and yes I saw that movie). Either way I'll keep you all posted.

Well thats the weekly wrap-up. I here by submit to you something I find hilarious and you dear reader will probably will probably scroll past while looking for something that actually makes sense.

(Comic #205 from Not From Concentrate)

-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Good Day Fellow Non-existent Reader (if anyone is actually reading this I am one: surprised, and two: very sorry I called your existence into question)

Well today marks the end of two full weeks back in the good olde US of A after my grand Japan excursion. In typical Mech. fashion I am going thru potentially life threatening bullet train withdrawls. Simply put, the bullet train is the shiznit.



Hikari 700 Series Railstar Express aka: the shiznit

A video of this thing at top speed

The Railstar was the fastest train we were on at a measely 176 mph. I think we rode the bullet train better part of 30 times while we were there. If anyone reading this ever has the urge to visit Japan, I strongly reccomend looking into the Japan Rail Pass. $450 got me a two week pass that lets you ride any JR train (including bullet trains) except the Nozomi line. All we had to do for a bullet train was walk up and show the pass and boom tickets. Locals you don't even need a ticket you just show the pass. Either way it easily paid for itself. Unfortunetly I am currently a poor unemployed engineering graduate any my free livejournal account doesn't let me upload pictures so I'll save the full pictoral run down for another day. All in all, Japan is truly is supa-coo.

Strangely enough, I may actually have a job here. A company is dangerously close to hiring me, and given my current financial predicament that would be bitchen. They flew me down for four hours of interviews and I apparently didn't make a complete fool out of myself as they've told me they'll be sending me a job offer. For what exactly I don't know. It's all very hush hush, bit like applying for the CIA I imagine. Heh, actually the folks over there are pretty nice and are kind enough to let me work with engines. Should know early this week what I'm going to be doing down there and I'm certainly looking forward to be employed again,  and I will simultaneously be thanking God I will never ever have to work at Best Hell Hole as a cashier ever again.

Yes, for two years in High School I was one of those seemingly heartless bastards whose job it was to ring you up and try to sell you things you didn't need or want.  Unfortunetly for Best Buy, they were unable to purge my Minnesota bred sixth sense that told me when the customer really wasn't interested. This had two side effects. One: I was never the top salesman, and two: I still have my soul. If you have a friend who is a top salesman (or woman, or both?) there, I sorry to tell you that he/she/they have no soul and are probably plotting your doom. Note to all of you, Best Buy is a cold, dark, and evil place.


Its true, its so very very true

-Good night and Good Luck,
Papa J

Good Day Reader,

Well that day of days is upon us and my ass must face graduation commencement. And while I still can't spell I will do my best to tell the story of this day post ceremony. Till then...

-Good Night and Good Luck,
Papa J